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Don't worry I won't be offended if you look at this post and go – Sweet Jeebus what a load of waffle, I'll pass – but please bear with me, you might even have a wee chuckle along the way!
So let me start with how I joined my battle buddies – Other than the fact I named them before officially joining their group – Fantastic foursome fannys!
My intro went a little like this My names Sarah and I’m a serious Procrastinator who needs more than 24 hours in a day. I have 3 kids, dogs had 3 house moves and I feel I’m too old to be in this shape that I’m in – PS Dry humour is usually my norm!
We then started talking about our own lives and our furbabies – that a whole different story…
Anyway after the first week I want to say that I think the girls finally realised how dry my humour was – this included talks of damp crotches, Ghost POOPS, Bogeys, toe fluff, sweaty unmentionables, wankathons and an array of filth along the way – I’m still completely stunned about Ghost poops!
So I checked in with my measurements, with the sole purpose of learning as much as I could from the way Jamie did things and run his facebook page. Imagine if you will a little girl looking to her favourite super hero and saying I want to be just like you when I grow up – except I’m older and less cute when I say it, those were the words that resonated in my head when I joined!
Week one was easy – the weather was nice and the kids love being outside so we paced the garden and walked around the outskirts of the village we live on the edge of, I kept up with the check-ins on Instagram with Jamie (I’m on of those that loves a list to check things off) However it was hard to get all of them checked EVERY SINGLE DAY – there was one that kept pissing me off – 15 mins me time – more on that later….
Week 2 came – and I was worried as we literally had no where for me to do pull ups, I was stressing this was going to be an impossible challenge, as I would need somewhere with bands, I have a bad shoulder from pulled ligaments and there was no way I was going to manage these without help…However fate quickly stepped in as we are renovating this house we moved into – honestly this house has been the shit storm you wouldn’t even want on your enemy – damp, rot, grot and just a complete ‘lets burn the fucker down and start again’ would be a better description, anyway, it was in week 2 that I realised there was a serious competitive streak starting to show, and I couldn’t work out if this was going to be a motivator or a demotivator but I managed to complete the pull up challenge well before the end of the week.
As I mentioned this streak earlier, I very quickly came to realise that this page was something more, something that I could never have imagined – it was a real high spirited community where everyone was here with the positivity to build our own fucking rainbow to help anyone cross – it was beyond my comprehension, how so many people going through so many different battles could still be showing empathy and compassion to others while still fighting their own demons – it overwhelmed me. And in true fashion I turned to the battle buddies to voice how I felt, I felt I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t doing enough, that I was nothing like all those people smashing the shit out of challenges and workouts and check ins every fucking day – the negative language I had was really because I was looking at the competition side of this challenge, and forgot that I was here to take as much as I could from Jamie and the page he had created….time for me to take a step back and recognise that my perception was going to end up failing me and my battle buddies if I didn’t sort my shit out…..
Little did I know that one of the daily check-ins was going to break me so badly that I didn’t even know if I would come back here…..let me get a little serious and deep for a hot minute…..I have the momentum of a busy bee high on pollen, I literally don’t stop AT ALL, so taking this 15 mins me time was a struggle – NO it was fucking impossible, and I realised on a Tuesday morning when I decided to take an unofficial day off from everything how bad ‘me time’ was really going to cause such a seriously detrimental effect on everything.
It was week 3 and it was running – FAIL before I had even started, I cant run – not through grit and determination to at least attempt it on Monday and almost dislocate my hip and seriously damage myself in the process, anyway fast forward to the Tuesday where I woke feeling heavy and like I couldn’t catch my breath, I checked my phone – Period due – fuck – this is not what I needed, anyway back to this unofficial day off from everything, I got up and did my morning rituals and carried on like normal and tried to check myself from these impossible feelings – the dark clouds, the feeling that I couldn’t catch my breath, then I remember Jamie say something – be present and accountable – so I decided in order to figure this shit out I would record myself at my worst so I can recognise and know its ok, I did just that, I cried and tried to let out the feelings of complete despair and lack of understanding why I feel like this regardless of what is going on, then I remembered I had stopped, I had taken that day off and I had that PING – lightbulb moment – its because I told myself I was going to take a day off – I had already prepared my brain to fuck up before it had a chance to realise what my body was going through. and before I knew it I had sent my video to Jamie explaining that this is why I struggle so much with me time – my brain doesn’t allow me to have this delightful moment, ok sometimes I can go for a piss or a Ghost poop and get 10 mins to myself but that’s not without a child or dog and noise or distraction happening – its ok you can laugh – I often laugh at myself so feel free to join in!
so anyway – video sent – I waited for 15 mins and thought what the actual fuck are you doing chick – Jamie doesn’t give a fuck what’s going on in your head and nor will he enjoy seeing a snotty woman who doesn’t do ‘pretty’ crying – so I tried to delete it – this will only be deleted for you – FUCK FUCK FUCK – you stupid idiot what have you done – Ive done really well at hiding the dark demon from everyone for so long as it’s easier isn’t it – anyone with mental health will know this – its doesn’t make it easier but by Fuck its better than putting the real you out there and have that feeling of being judged!
Oh well – maybe her won’t see it – surely he must have hundreds of people messaging him, fingers crossed my message slips through the net and will disappear down a dark rabbit hole….2 days passed and nothing so I felt a little better thinking phew he’s maybe not seen it nor will see it….PING – message from Jamie – shit shit shit, I didn’t want to look in case he told me something I wasn’t ready to read or take in, he was a true gent and told me that I should perhaps get this in a blog as people would love to see that I’m normal and honest – hence why Im doing this whole bloody thing – Jamie its all your fault hahahaha
Anyway I accepted that running and cycling just wasn’t going to work for me so decided I would keep up with the lives and do some reverse lunges to make up the difference,
(side note – the reason that dark shitty place happened is because I have PMDD (pre-menstrual Dysphoric Dysfunction) there isn’t a lot known about this mental health condition because for years women have been fobbed off with its just a bad cause of PMS – It’s not – let me assure you when a woman can justify stabbing someone with a blunt rusty spoon in the eyeball – that is not PMS. I have come to the conclusion and with help from a group of others that have been diagnosed with this condition – that this is based around hormones, or lack of or overdrive of, or your body not being able to cope with these surges due to being on contraception for years which alters your hormones and chemical changes to such a degree it really fucks you up when you decide to be contraception free – Every month is a battle for me that no one knows about but that’s my battle and that’s how I choose to deal with it, but if you feel you have something similar – please speak to someone – even myself and get help – the biggest change in my life was saying I need help. It doesn’t make you weak but gives recognition you want to take control back)
Deep breath and let go of the deep shit now!
So I stood on the scales and every week the were saying I weighed less, even by 1lb or 2 on my period week.
Week 4 the last week and as I write this, this is the second last day before I end the challenge.
Push ups – I got this, I know I’ve got this, (Jamie’s thoughts was still resonating in my head – do a blog – let people know your story – I’m not ready for that yet)
So I got cracking with the challenge and I knew this week was going to be epic as I have my little boys first birthday this weekend so I was going to have to be accountable for cake and extra food too at the weekend, Its Saturday and I’ve done me weigh in and check ins and I feel good, no I feel great – but its not because of what the scales say or how my clothes fit….this has been way more than that, this has been a period of time where I learned more about myself and realised I had been lost for such a long time and finally I’m starting to feel a little bit more me again, and although that means I don’t do the 15 mins me time every day, it means that I’ve accepted that I will never be that person – does that mean I’ve failed, does that mean I haven’t completed the challenge set out before me – HECK NO – it means I have found what works for me and found that I will always be that busy bee high on pollen and for me – that’s ok, it will help keep my NEAT up 😉
For everyone else here’s some pics for you all to see my journey this past 28 days!
And believe me when I say this – the worst person you can coach is yourself - so to Jamie and the TWJ team and my battle buddies – I love each and every one of you in all your own beautiful stories and bodies – lets all take time to acknowledge this:
GOD GIVES THE HARDEST BATTLES TO THE STRONGEST SOLDIERS – Lets go fuck shit up!